Wednesday, August 23, 2006

August 2006

True DTS Student Code of Conduct Discovered
Each year, incoming classes receive a copy of the Student Code of Conduct. For many years, however, a rumor has circulated that a different code of conduct exists. The rumor contends that this code of conduct more realistically governs the actions of students on campus. While the administration denies knowledge of the existence of such a document, recently a copy arrived at the T&J offices in an unmarked envelope. The attached note suggested that this document was unearthed during the recent renovation of the Campbell Academic Center.

In celebration of the incoming class, and in order to give them an advantage many of us wish we had enjoyed when we enrolled, the Tot and Jittle staff gladly presents The True DTS Student Code of Conduct:

1. I will always defend my point, even if it requires belittling a brother or sister in Christ.
2. I will always preface any such defense with a spiritual platitude, thereby making it seem as though my belittling serves to better my listener.
3. I will avoid eye contact with those I don’t know while walking on campus. If I should unintentionally make eye contact, I will greet such a person with nothing more than a head nod. In rare circumstances of unavoidable awkwardness, I will grunt, “huawyu.”
4. I will make sure that in each class I take, at least one person is willing to complain about the dress code or alcohol policy to the professor. If no such student exists, I will personally assume that responsibility.
5. I will ignore all talk from my professors when they say that the grades I earn in seminary do not define the experience. I will treat such speech as propaganda. Instead, I will vigorously pursue the best grade possible—arguing with any grader or professor who refuses to see the brilliance in my work—in order to find my validation in my GPA or in what my transcript says.
6. I will take advantage of any opportunity to make fun of any theological tradition which doesn’t view things the way I do, whether in class, in personal conversation or at any other time while on campus. I do this fully realizing that God has left nothing of Himself cloaked in mystery and I alone know how to interpret Scripture. I also fully realize that I don’t really know what the traditions I mock actually teach, but that I know enough to sound like I do.
7. I will acknowledge that women study on campus, but at no time will I treat them as though they have something to contribute to my own education, with counseling courses the notable exception.
8. I will nod affirmingly at every mention of world missions, knowing that if I did not, others would think that I don’t support missions. Of course, I don’t, but I don’t want anyone else to know that. Instead, I will speak of “my mission field at home.”
9. I will never walk on the grass, preferring instead the crowded sidewalk, so that I won’t stand out from everyone else.
10. I will complain about my professors in the Walvoord Student Lounge, the Chafer Chapel, the Turpin and Mosher libraries, the Todd Academic Center, the Mitchell Ministry Center, or the Campbell Academic Center. In other words, pretty much whenever I get the chance. I will do so with an arrogant and self-justified spirit that refuses to acknowledge that they may have studied longer than I.
11. I will make an appropriate number of Biblical language jokes at home, regardless of the continued chilly reception they receive.
12. I will curse the name of Turabian, lamenting its difficulty, while harboring the truth that I didn’t pay attention in RS101 or bother to load the template on my computer at home.
13. I will try my best to make my games of solitaire look exactly like taking notes, making sure to look at the professor and nod knowingly before looking back down at the screen to move the 8 of spades.

Couple "inexplicably" moves out of Swiss Tower
While the summer heat took a toll all throughout the Metroplex, perhaps the most damaging effects of the summer swoon were felt right here at DTS. In a decision that can only be explained as a result of too much sun exposure, Kyle and Lisa Johnson announced plans that sent ripples through the DTS community. In late July, the Johnsons decided to move out of Swiss Tower.

“We began to feel out of touch with the non-Christian world,” Lisa said. “The other day Kyle mentioned how he used to live next door to some non-Christians in college and it was a great opportunity to share the gospel. We were hoping to experience something like that again.”

The Johnsons’s optimism isn’t shared by everyone in the community they’re leaving behind. “If you ask me, it’s a terrible idea,” said one resident of Swiss Tower, who chose not to reveal his identity. “I mean maybe you’ll have an opportunity to speak to some pagans, but what if they rub off on you more than you do on them? Too risky.” Another Swiss Tower resident blames the Johnsons’s decision not on the soaring heat, but on something else entirely. “It’s that damn Brian McLaren,” Karen Richardson claims. “All that talk about postmodernism leads people to do crazy stuff like this. Honestly, their decision is inexplicable.”

Despite the lack of support from the community, the Johnsons remain excited about their new home. “We’ve already met some non-believers from two doors down. We’re planning to have them come over for a bar-be-cue,” Kyle says. “Maybe some of our friends from the Tower can join us. I really think that when they get to know some non-believers, they’ll find that it’s not really that scary.” Maybe not, or maybe that's just the heat talking.

Dear Alumnus
Dear Alumnus,
I’m having trouble finding time to exercise during my studies at DTS. What did you do to stay fit? – Angela

Dear Angela,
I’m not sure I understand your question. Outside of repeatedly lifting your Scofield Reference Bible and using the stairs in the library, I don’t know what else to recommend. Ultimately, we’re all going to have perfect resurrection bodies, anyway, so I’m not sure why you’d expend the effort here on earth. Your time would probably be better spent perfecting your exegeticals, as they, unlike your temporary soul-suit, will most likely become valuable references in the eschaton.

DTS Man Goes to the Movies
On August 25, the movie Invincible will open at theatres everywhere. This film tells the story of Vince Papale, a Philadelphia bartender who earned a spot on a Philadelphia professional football team. Despite initial appearances, Invincible is not just another gridiron tale. This movie, in fact, serves as a two-hour illustration of the themes of Isaiah 40:31.

First, the prophet begins by discussing, “Those who wait for the Lord.” The film makers depict Papale as 30-years old when he got his chance to play in the National Football League. If so, then he obviously was familiar with waiting. While the movie doesn’t explicitly state that Papale was waiting for the Lord, per se, those with the appropriate theological sensibilities will recognize that just as the Lord sovereignly rules over the events of time and space, so the coach in the film, Dick Vermeil, sovereign ruled over the events of his football team. Therefore, in waiting for coach Vermeil to hold an open tryout, Papale was actually, if indirectly, waiting on the Lord. After watching coach Vermeil in action, one can’t help but leave the theatre with a new appreciation for God’s sovereignty.

The prophet continues on to say that, “Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength.” In the case of Papale, who never played college football, his new strength was evident on the field. The fact that he even made the roster of a team in the National Football League testifies to his newfound strength. Such strength clearly had no place in his previous jobs as a substitute teacher and bartender. The filmmakers’s message couldn’t be clearer: If you wait on the Lord, you will gain new strength (i.e. If you wait for coach Vermeil to host an open tryout, you will make the team even though you didn’t play college football). For many of us, this beautiful promise hits home.

The film continues to illustrate the principles that Isaiah wrote about when it comes to the choice of football team for Papale to play for. Isaiah promises not only that those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength, but also that they will “mount up with wings as eagles.” It is no small coincidence that in the movie, Papale plays for the “Eagles.” While the filmmakers attempt to credit “history” with the choice and even claim that the National Football League has just such a team in Philadelphia, those of us who are spiritually sensitive should recognize the greater truth here. Just as Papale rose up to football prominence with a team named the “Eagles,” so those who wait on the Lord (or coach Vermeil) will gain new strength (make the team) and rise up on wings like eagles (and play for a team called the “Eagles.”)

The final point in Isaiah’s promise is perhaps most evident to those who love football. The film depicts Papale as playing wide receiver for the “Eagles.” This position requires much running. Papale ran. Plenty. And he clearly must not have grown tired because he just kept running. In all that running, Papale fulfills the final portion of Isaiah 40:31: “They will run and not get tired, they will walk and not faint.” Papale’s ability to run his routes over and over without falling or growing weary suggests that he epitomizes one who “waits for the Lord.” Every Christian should long for and look forward to the day when we, too, will possess this ability to run and run at an open tryout for a team named the “Eagles,” while at the same time catching enough footballs to impress the “coach” who may ask us to wait until we’re 30-years old before we gain “new strength.” What a promise! What a film!

Clearly, this film, Invincible, represents the greatest evangelistic tool of the 21st century. All Christians should take friends to see it, churches should set aside special worship services to discuss its themes and it should be required viewing for any who hope to understand the real message of the prophet Isaiah. Please take advantage of this opportunity to display to your non-Christian friends the benefits that come from waiting on the Lord. And if Mark Wahlberg ends up getting arrested for drunk driving and spewing racial slurs, we can simply conclude that he is being judged for appearing in Boogie Nights.


Post a Comment

<< Home